Don't Have Sex In Texas

Buried deep in an article about a custody battle between a billionaire and a less wealthy woman was something that shocked me. The Business Insider piece was nearly 18 months old, but the information is just as shocking today as when it first published.

The story details the emotional and financial stress the mother experienced during the year-long battle with the father of her three children. She talks about falling out of love, the stress of having her personal life dissected in court, how she almost went “bankrupt,” and the impact it had on her career and mental health. The story was newsworthy enough—until I discovered this bombshell 14 paragraphs in:

"Family-law experts previously told BI that both Texas and California used the same standards for determining custody — the best interest of the child. Texas, however, caps child-support payments at $2,760 for three children, while California has no cap.”

At first, I assumed it was a mistake—because fact-checkers are a dying breed—until I found this Texas child support calculator. I ran a sample calculation for a parent of three, with a monthly gross income of a billion dollars who pays a million dollars each month in taxes (because tax codes in my fictional world are more reasonable than reality.)

"$2,760 Monthly," the calculator confirmed, with a double asterisk noting that courts may adjust the amount based on financial resources and the children's needs.

That’s just over $30 a day per child—less than what it costs to sponsor a child in a developing country. The calculation had to be written by Scrooge McDuck, but the numbers were consistent.

Texas determines child support using monthly “net resources,” which include everything from wages to trusts. Custodial parents are entitled to 20-40 percent of those earnings, beginning with 20 percent for the first child and scaling up five percent for each dependent, up to the fifth. But the Lone Star State caps resources at $9,200 per month and 30 percent of that is $2,760.

It’s worth noting that this piece, from Texas Family Law Insights, says parents can receive support above the standard if the non-custodial parent has substantial financial resources that exceed what is considered in the standard calculation.” I’m gonna go out on a limb and assume this would apply here, but who knows?

I’m not a lawyer. This is not legal advice and you should absolutely seek a licensed professional on custody, child support, or relationships if you’re thinking about having a baby with anyone. But my unprofessional opinion: Avoid billionaires—and maybe don’t have sex in Texas.