The Best Thing To Say to Someone Struggling With Infertility
I'm reminded of a time when talking about my fertility journey was incredibly hard. I'd had a few miscarriages and by this point, my core church community knew I was having a hard time starting a family. We were in "left behind" territory, one of the oldest couples in our group, yet one of the few w
It's common for couples battling infertility to stay silent amidst their struggles. The pain of the journey can make it extremely difficult to talk about. On top of that, the current cultural landscape surrounding fertility and reproduction can make it difficult to gauge what is and isn’t appropriate to discuss.
It wasn't always easy to open up about my struggles. I’d had a few miscarriages and my core church community knew we were struggling to start a family, so the initial bandage had been ripped off. Yet, allowing myself to be vulnerable about the day-to-day challenges of a multi-year battle with infertility was much harder. It felt kind of like reopening a wound I wished would scab over. You see, it’s easy to explain why you’re having a bad day. It's hard to explain why you’re having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad decade.
One day, I was heading home after a stressful doctor's appointment. I can't remember what happened that day, but I remember being close to tears. Riding in a busy subway car, I looked up and spotted a friend. We chatted for a while before she asked how things were going. To this day, I don’t know why I resisted the urge to say “Fine,” But for some reason, I shared how rough it had been.
I’ll never forget what she said first: “Thank you for sharing.” It was so pointed, so powerful. Four words changed my perspective on suffering, community, and why pain should be shared and not siloed. It was a sign that it was safe to share more because she understood how difficult it was for me to begin and it was encouraging to experience that kind of gratitude.
There is a consensus that we shouldn’t ask friends if, or when, they want to start a family. But the real issue isn't the topic. It's the fact that we’re not prepared to receive honest answers or offer the support those answers might require.
So, if someone trusts you enough to share their story, you can’t go wrong with saying: “Thank you for sharing. How can I support you?”
