The Case Against Solving All Your Marriage Problems

My husband and I have had our share of petty disputes, but nothing is worse than the fights we’ve had over alarm clocks—his promise to use an alarm and my plea to set just one. He sets a 5:00 a.m. alarm, then there's the 5:10 and 5:20 snoozes, the 5:30 backup alarm, and occasionally a 5:45 alarm he forgets to turn off. I get up at six.

Maybe your partner isn't a heavy sleeper, but every couple has areas of disagreement. These differences make relationships beautiful, but they also breed conflict. According to research from The Gottman Institute, 69 percent of relationship problems are unsolvable, perpetual, and essentially about nothing. I guess everyone is in their bedroom negotiating a Groundhog Day dispute. The Gottmans believe the key to a happy, successful relationship is accepting that some problems won’t be solved. “If you rely on problems getting solved as an indicator of the success of a relationship, it’s not going to look good,” said Julie Gottman, Ph.D., on an episode of The Diary of a CEO.

The two-hour podcast features The Gottmans, spouses and co-founders of The Gottman Institute, discussing everything from how to spot a failing partnership, to the building blocks of a successful one. However, their advice on conflict resolution is the most intriguing. “We’re not attracted to people who are like us. Once we get together, we find those differences—although initially attractive—pretty annoying,” said John Gottman, Ph.D.,  “Unless people can be enriched by those differences and learn to accept the differences, they’re going to be in a lot of trouble,” he added.

Just as I thought I was destined to live in alarm-clock agony, they introduced the donut method of compromise. “In an inner circle, you think about or write down what you can’t compromise on, in terms of your position on this issue,” says Julie. “Then in an outer circle, you write down what you’re more flexible about.” That outer ring can include anything from when something happens, how often it occurs, or how much something costs. Once you've filled the donut, develop a solution that addresses your core need using the flexible points in the outer ring.

Circling back to my alarm clock hell—I could live with an early morning alarm, but I could not deal with five of them. A compromise meant my husband got his 5:00 a.m. alert and one backup, but the snooze button was non-negotiable. After all, waking up twice is way more tolerable than waking up every 10 minutes.

Of course, every disagreement won’t be as low-stakes as an alarm clock, but it does free up energy for more important disputes, like who left dishes in the sink. You can listen to the full interview with the Gottmans and Steven Bartlett here.